Day Seven - The Confidence Game

Yesterday's emotional meltdown had at least one benefit. It brought into sharper focus the fact that I seem to be having a significant crisis in confidence concerning my riding. In general, I am a pretty confident person. I enjoy learning, like being in new situations and meeting new people and love traveling. I was thrilled when I was accepted into the Parelli Fast Track, so you would think that being down here in Florida with all of these like minded people would be a dream come true. But the fact of the matter is that lately, I have not been the most confident rider and for some reason, being here at fast track has really amplified my angst.
Several months ago, after Carol Coppinger suggested that my saddle might be hindering the way Sonny was moving by pinching him in the shoulders, I purchased a Theraflex® pad. It turns out that Carol was right. The first time I rode Sonny with the new pad, his stride was so much longer it kind of freaked me out. The pad also caused my saddle to be sitting in a new position and despite several attempts to add shims in various configurations, I still haven't got the saddle, pad, shim combination exactly right. Some of the early attempts really had Sonny on his forehand at a canter, which had affected my confidence at that gait but I pretty much had worked that mostly out while I was at home in familiar surroundings.
But now I find myself in new surroundings, with a much more open riding environment, full of obstacles Sonny has never seen before, with many more horse and riders that I am used to. I still feel pretty confident when I am working with Sonny on-line but when I'm riding or even when I am thinking about riding, my confidence is shaken. And during the first six days here at fast track, I've recognized that when I rush to get ready or feel rushed, it has affected my emotional fitness which also affects my confidence.
After reflecting last night on my experience yesterday, I decided that when I came in this morning, what I needed to do to help bolster my confidence was to take my time getting ready and then just get on Sonny and ride. I wanted to experience riding all around the property in a "no pressure" situation, where I could pick my spots to walk, trot and hopefully canter and not have to worry about doing things "on command" or who might be watching. And that is just what I did.
I saddled Sonny up and then walked him over to where Jen was conducting a shimming focus session. When that was finished, I led him over to the wooden bridge to climb on. Mounting is an issue for me. I have bad knees, can't get on Sonny from the ground and need to mount from the right, "Indian style". At home, we have two high mounting blocks and Sonny stands quietly while I get on but here we have been having some trouble. There aren't many mounting blocks and the ones that are available are fairly short. I worry about getting on and that hasn't been helping my confidence.
Once mounted, I took the opportunity to ride all around the property. I walked around most of the obstacles so Sonny could get a good look at them. I took Sonny into a round pen and trotted him. I walked him up to the arena, through the honeycomb and over the bridge. I trotted him down lines and in circles. I asked him to canter several times so I could feel confident in getting the transition from walk or trot to canter. Because I was nervous, Sonny and I weren't really in harmony at the beginning but as I rode, I was able to get synchronized a bit better with him. I rode for over an hour and by the time I was ready to take him back to his pen, I was feeling much more comfortable about the afternoon's upcoming lesson.
At the 11:30 demonstration, Ryan worked on line and at liberty with a little bay mare whose Horsenality™ is very similar to Sonny's. He was trying to show us how to "ask a lot, accept a little and reward often" in order to motivate this horse. He demonstrated all seven of the Parelli games and tried to point out to us how he was trying to be particular while still encouraging the horse to offer more. He made a specific point of trying to reward the horse when it was giving evidence of "thinking about" doing what he was asking for. He encouraged us to begin to recognize the subtle signs that horses give before doing the right thing.
I was feeling pretty good by the end of the demonstration, when John Barr gave us instructions for the afternoon. He told us that we were going to take our first riding lesson at 3 PM an that we needed to warm our horses up so that we would be ready for anything. He mentioned that he could ask us to walk, trot or canter or horses, to walk them through the pond or jump them over a log. The minute he mentioned jump, I felt myself starting to panic and to lose any confidence I had developed during my morning ride. I knew I had to nip this feeling in the bud so when he dismissed the group for lunch, I approached him and explained that I had never jumped Sonny and that I didn't think that I was prepared to take on jumping right now. He told me that I didn't need to jump if I didn't feel ready but that I should warm Sonny up as if we were going to jump. That made me feel much better and I went into the afternoon riding session with only a minimum of butterflies.
It turns out that I didn't need to worry. During the lesson, we only walked and trotted. We rode several familiar patterns. Our instructors were looking more for how we were maintaining our focus and giving directions to our horses. Their corrections to us were focused and too the point. As the lesson went on, I felt more and more confident.
I know I still have a way to go in order to feel completely confident riding in this environment but I feel good that I was able to get through this first riding lesson. Tomorrow I am going to try to build on what I did today and I am going to think about steady progress as a way to win this confidence game.